Survival Guide for Hogwarts: First Years
by twilightm00n
Summary: Need help avoiding Peeves?  Not sure what teachers not to mess with?  Well then here's the guide for you!  Essential for all first years to read!


**Survival Guide for First Years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

Welcome, young wizards and witches to Hogwarts, the greatest school of magic in the world! With this insider's survival guide you need not be afraid of being caught unawares! From avoiding Peeves to detailed descriptions of our favorite professors this guide will suit your every need!

**Supplies for your year:**

-3 sets of plain black robes

-1 standard-sized cauldron (preferably pewter)

-1 black pointed hat

-1 pair of protective gloves (dragon hide)

-1 winter cloak (black)

-1 telescope

-1 set of brass scales for potions

-1 set of glass or crystal phials

-Various potions ingredients including eye of newt, snarled claw of kneazle, unicorn hair, hippogriff feathers, saliva of a wood pixie and blood of a goat.

-1 owl OR cat OR toad for your familiar (Note: Rats are not recommended due to their habits of being secret animagus (wizards disguised as animals.)

-1 wand

-parchment (1 mile long)

-ink (any type including edible, color changing and glittery, but no invisible or easy-cheat ink)

-1 crate of dungbombs (they _always _come in handy)

-Various Skiving Snackboxes from the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes (Puking Pastilles, Nosebleed Nougat, Fever Fudge etc.)

Spell books including:

_Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) _by Miranda Goshawk

_1000 Magical Herbs and Fungi _by Phyllida Spore

_A History of Magic _by Bathilda Bagshot

_Magical Theory _by Adalbert Waffling

_A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration _by Emeric Switch

_Magical Drafts and Potions _by Arsenius Jigger

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them _by Newt Scamander

_The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection _by Quentin Trimble

FIRST YEARS ARE NOT PERMITTED TO HAVE BROOMSTICKS; ANY FOUND WILL BE MADE INTO KINDLING BY THE WHOMPING WILLOW. Note: The only exceptions are crazy-good seekers that can catch Remembralls in 90 ft suicidal dives.

**Important! **Be sure to sign your exemption form that will arrive with your acceptance letter. Amongst other things it nullifies all of Hogwart's eligibility for accidents involving bludgers, turning into badgers (or ferrets in Malfoy's case), cruel and unusual punishments courtesy of Filch, hypothermia from walking through ghosts or not being clever enough to answer a riddle by a sphinx. It also covers any accidents involving Blast-Ended Skrewts – all 164 of them.

**Description of the Professors at Hogwarts (essential for newbies to read!):**

_**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**_ The Headmaster of Hogwarts, he is extremely old and has a very intimidating IQ level. However, due to his bad habit of giving second chances to questionable characters such as Severus Snape (who has quite an unstable mindset) his judgment is sometimes put into question. Do not attempt to conceal anything from his half-moon spectacles because this Supreme Mugwump is accomplished at Legilimency and also at making you feel incredibly foolish. If you are brave enough (or perhaps foolhardy enough) you can try to get on his good side by offering him lemon drops or a woolen pair of socks. However, **do not under any circumstances** offer him any Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Due to a childhood trauma involving a vomit-flavored bean, Professor Dumbledore does not particularly like them anymore. Believing that music is the greatest magic of them all, the Headmaster must never have heard Draco Malfoy sing. Final advice: Don't tick him off otherwise he'll send Fawkes after you and phoenix droppings _do not_ smell pleasant.

_**Minerva McGonagall: **_The Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts, this past Gryffindor will be your Transfiguration professor. In addition to being extremely clever, strict and just being a general kill-joy (exception being whenever in the presence of Dolores Umbridge) this teacher _is_ trustworthy (just don't lose her Quidditch Cup otherwise she'll be out for your blood if Oliver Wood doesn't get you first.) Also, she is an Animagus capable of transforming into a tabby cat. This might be why the professor has a secret liking for the scent of fresh pine-scented litter… In addition, McGonagall has a-not-so-secret animosity with Snape due to his state of greasiness and general slime-ball personality.

_**Professor Flitwick:**_ Being the Charms professor and an ancient Dueling champion, you may expect Flitwick to be tall, dashing and young. This is a common misconception. Due to a defective shrinking solution somehow finding his way into his baby bottle when he was 5, Professor Flitwick has never been the same since. This is probably why he only drinks out of a special flask Mad-Eye Moody style. He has taught at Hogwarts for 33 years.

_**Snivellus Snape:**_ "I am Snape, the Potions master!" This greasy git is _evillll_. You will have the unfortunate pleasure of being in his Potions class. (Even if you are in Slytherin you'll hate it simply because he always gets oily blots on your homework 0.o) He seems to follow the spoils system avidly and if you're in Gryffindor prepare for much anguish and cleaning up of flobberworm guts. The oily scum is both an Occlumens and Legilimens without any ethics whatsoever. My advice? If you are a girl think of really girly things whenever you're in his class (boys, hairstyles etc.) This will most likely fill Snivellus with disgust and he will refrain from reading your mind. If you're a boy? Tough luck I suppose. Note: Innumerable attempts have been made to either get him sacked or killed but most will not work since he can read your mind… The Weasley twins in particular tried about 798 times with one involving flesh-eating slugs, the Marauders map, several house elves and a mandrake. Fred's backside has never been the same since.

_**Horace Slughorn:**_ He took over for Snape in Harry's 6th year at Hogwarts as Potions master. Aptly described by Harry as a big, fat spider residing in his web of connections, Slughorn likes his comforts. Lover of sugared pineapple, squashy armchairs and the Weird Sisters, this balding Slytherin would probably sell his own mother's honor if he got enough in return. However, he is easily manipulated as well (if you're famous). Just mention Lily Potter, feed him 2 gallons of oak-matured mead and he'll be putty in your hands.

_**Professor Sprout:**_ The head of Hufflepuff, this Herbology professor is loyal, stout and has an intense dislike for Gilderoy Lockheart (one of the very few witches to feel so, which makes her an automatic "in" in my book.). She has an amazing garden at home which includes a strain of singing marigolds, a mandrake penthouse, and a snarflepod bush.

_**Professor Binns:**_ He teaches the History of Magic even though he's dead and snore…snore…

_**Rubeus Hagrid:**_ The Hogwarts' gamekeeper and Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Hagrid is a half-giant with a kind disposition. Unfortunately, he also has a somewhat questionable judgment regarding what is appropriate for children and insists on introducing Blast-Ended Skrewts, 3-headed dogs, and Norwegian Ridgeback dragons to students. He's pretty cool especially with that flowered umbrella (Madame Maxime seems to think so too).

_**Sibyll Trelawney:**_ One word: FRAUD. Misty tones, _huge_ spectacles, clinging shawls and a love of drinking cooking sherry _are not _good qualifications for teaching. But, since she made the prophecy about Harry and Voldemort, Dumbledore thought it would be advisable to keep her out of the clutches of the Death Eaters. Oh and you know that perfumed fire? Personally, I think it's to mask the odor of sherry that she's fond of consuming between every class period. One last thing. She is definitely a pessimist. She predicted that I was gonna get trampled by a mob of bowtruckles while I was chasing after a rogue chimera. _Sure…._ If she said I was going to snuff it after I tried to understand calculus I might have believed her. –shakes head in pity-

"_**What's-that-in-the-back-of-my-head" Quirrell: **_A bald, albino, slit-eyed freak of nature whose greatest fear is croaking, that's what. Poor Professor Quirrell's main role is just as Voldy's mindless drone that will ruin your Defense Against the Dark Arts learning. I suppose even a turban-wearing puppet who makes Stalin's paranoia seem minor would be better than the Barbiesque Lockheart though… Other than the fact that he's evil of course. I mean anyone who has a "special gift" with mountain trolls and loves garlic that much just _has_ to be evil (at the very least in breath).

_**Gilderoy Lockheart:**_ This pretty boy even beats Trelawney in the fraud department, which is pretty darn bad if you ask me. His role model is Barbie's boyfriend Ken (a muggle doll) and his smile has deceived many a witch. However, if you research his pubescent years, those rabid fangirls would be in for a nasty surprise. Burdened with a disfiguring case of acne, teeth that would make a smoker's teeth seem white in comparison and a mole with its own zip code, the teenage Gilderoy was _anything _but handsome. Thus, overcome with a desire to be "popular," (author speaking: _pathetic_) he went to St. Mungo's ward for spell damage and claimed to have been hit with a Foul-Faced hex to retrieve the mug we know and detest today. May the Powers Above help you if you are unfortunate enough to endure his class. Skiving Snackboxes are highly recommended!

_**Remus Lupin:**_ Aka "Moony," this werewolf is an actual competent professor. –cue hallelujahs- Those lucky enough to come under his tutelage will learn about kappas, grindylows, hinkypucks and the value of eating chocolate when you feel down (yay Honeydukes!) You might even learn how to cast a Patronus if you have a lightning-shaped scar on your forehead (try permanent marker!)

_**Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody:**_ CONSTANT VIGILANCE! This ex-Auror has a ton of tricks up his sleeve and you'll be hard-pressed to one-up him. With looks guaranteed to clear a room in 3 seconds flat, Moody uses them to his advantage to intimidate those around him. Remember to be wary in his presence because not only will he use Transfiguration as a punishment; if you get on his bad side he'll _constantly_ watch you and that rotating eyeball is just plain _creepy_. Also, make no sudden moves whenever you're near him unless you desire to be jinxed into a pile of goop; he's as paranoid as a cow in a slaughterhouse… I _still_ have the marks from when I said "hi" to him when he facing the other way. –shudder-

_**Dolores Umbridge:**_ Styling herself as the "High Inquisitor," this Ministry lackey is vying with Lockheart as the Most Loathed Teacher in Hogwarts History. Harboring a hatred for anything that's part-human, this toad with a superiority complex got her just desserts courtesy of a centaur herd and a few well-place arrows. If you happen to be bored in her class just "clip-clop" with your tongue to get some very entertaining results involving shrieking, double-taking, hyperventilation and attempts to shield her backside from pointy objects. Nifflers are also useful to bring misery to this simpering nitwit (for best results spray her with sticky glitter first!)

**10 Ways to Tick Off Filch:**

The caretaker of Hogwarts, Argus Filch, and his sidekick, Mrs. Norris, are unavoidable horrors that will never stop to achieve their one purpose in life – to make you wallow in misery. Due to his inferiority complex that comes with being a squib in a wizarding school, Filch hates all students with an unbridled passion. So, in order to get him back here are some suggestions to make him squirm!

Get a basilisk to petrify Mrs. Norris.

Bribe Peeves to heckle him endlessly with more than the usual mayhem (supply him with dungbombs, water balloons, Filibuster fireworks and chewing gum for the best effect.)

Use Polyjuice Potion to transform into him and then proceed to insult Madam Pince to her face (preferably by calling her a hag/spinster/old biddy). His relationship with her will be damaged beyond repair.

After a particularly messy (as in stormy) Quidditch match, track mud on all of the carpets, then _scourgify_ yourself so Filch can't blame you.

Make Moaning Myrtle cry to flood the toilets (preferably filled if you know what I mean) so Filch will have to clean it up.

Conjure up a dog with huge fangs to kill….um I mean chase Mrs. Norris.

_Langlock_ him whenever he tries to speak. Ahhhh the blissful silence…

Get Umbridge sacked (this will cause a bout of depression).

Bewitch his torture implements to chase after him whenever he enters his office.

Call him a Squib to his face. Warning! This method is highly dangerous to your health and should only be used as a last result or if you can run _really_ fast.

**How to Avoid Peeves:**

Peeves the Poltergeist is a terrible, but necessary evil at Hogwarts. The following are some ways to avoid his tricks and to fend him off,

Pretend you're the Bloody Baron and that you're invisible. Note: Will only work if you have an Invisibility Cloak on hand.

Use _Waddiwasi_ to fling chewing gum up his nose. Can you say ouch?

Be a professor at Hogwarts (will not work if you are Lupin, Umbridge or Lockheart because he's a fool)

_Langlock_ him if he is singing degrading songs.

Run like mad the other way.

_If you followed this survival guide, your stay at Hogwarts will sure to be a magical experience! But please note that if some Dark Lord by the name of Voldymort (misspelling intended) arrives at Hogwearts not even this guide can save you. However, if you purchase the Survival Guide for Hogwarts: The Limited Edition, you can find tips on how to cower and beg with style! -flashes trademark Lockheart grin- Oh God, I can't believe I just did that… Shoot me please. Anyway, see our website for more information _


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